Category: Something funny

This is funny, it was contributed by our very own Pierre Hoeck.

Just click each image to view it … then use your browser back button.
Thank you Pierre

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Sept. 3, 1995, and adapted for Krapanj News)

Call me a wild and crazy guy if you want, but recently, on a whim, I decided to — why not? — turn 54.

It’s not so bad. Physically, the only serious problem I’ve noticed is that I can no longer read anything printed in letters smaller than Shaquille O’Neal. Also, to read a document, I have to hold it far from my face; more and more, I find myself holding documents — this is awkward on airplanes — with my feet. I can no longer read restaurant menus, so I fake it when the waiter comes around.

ME (pointing randomly): I’ll have this.

WAITER: You’ll have your napkin?

ME: I want that medium rare.

It’s gotten so bad that I can’t even read the words I’m typing into my computer right now. If my fingers were in a prankish mood, they could type an embarrassing message right in the middle of this sentence HE’S ALWAYS PUTTING US IN HIS NOSE and there is no way I’d be able to tell.

I suppose I should go see an eye doctor, but if you’re 54, whenever you go to see any kind of doctor, he or she invariably decides to insert a lengthy medical item into your body until the far end of it reaches a different area code. Also, I am frankly fearful that the eye doctor will want me to wear reading glasses. I have a psychological hang-up about this, caused by the fact that, growing up, I wore eyeglasses for 70,000 years. And these were not just any eyeglasses: These were the El Dork-O model, the ones that come from the factory pre-broken with the white tape already wrapped around the nose part. As an adolescent, I was convinced that my glasses were one of the key reasons why the opposition sex did not find me attractive, the other key reason being that I did not reach puberty until approximately 35.

Anyway, other than being functionally blind at close range, I remain in superb physical condition for a man of my age who can no longer fit into any of his pants. I have definitely been gaining some weight in the midriff region, despite a rigorous diet regimen of drinking absolutely no beer whatsoever after I pass out. The only lower-body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels, which I find myself wearing in more and more social settings. I’m thinking of getting a black one for funerals.

Because of my midriff situation I was very pleased to read recently about the new Miracle Breakthrough Weight Loss Plan For Mice. In case you missed this, what happened was, scientists extracted a certain chemical ingredient found in thin mice, then injected it into fat mice; the fat mice lost 90 percent more weight than a control group of fat mice who were exposed only to Richard Simmons. The good news is that this same ingredient could produce dramatic weight loss in human beings; the bad news is that, before it becomes available, it must be approved by the Food and Drug Administration (motto: “We Haven’t Even Approved Our Motto Yet”). So it’s going to take a while. If you’re overweight and desperate to try this miracle ingredient right away, my advice, as a medical professional, is to get hold of a thin mouse and eat it. It can’t be any worse than tofu.

But getting back to aging: Aside from the vision thing, and the weight thing, and the need to take an afternoon nap almost immediately after I wake up, and the fact that random hairs — I’m talking about long hairs, the kind normally associated with Cher — occasionally erupt from deep inside my ears — aside from these minor problems, I am a superb physical specimen easily mistaken for Brad Pitt.

Not only that, but I have the mind of an anchor. Of course, very few things in the world — and I include the Home Shopping Network in this statement — are as stupid as an anchor. What I’m saying is, I have definitely detected a decline in some of my mental facilities. For example, the other day I was in my office, trying to perform a fundamental journalistic function, namely, fill out an expense report, and I needed to divide 3 into a number that, if I recall correctly (which I don’t; that’s the problem) was $125.85, and I couldn’t remember how to do long division. I knew I was supposed to put the 3 into the 12, then bring something down, but what? And how far down? And would I need the “cosine”?

I was starting to panic, when all of a sudden — this is why you youngsters should pay attention in math class — my old training came back to me, and I knew exactly what to do: Ask Doris. Doris works in my office, and she has a calculator. I guess I should start carrying one around, along with some kind of device that remembers (a) people’s names, (b) where I put the remote control and (c) what I had planned to do once I got into the kitchen other than stand around wearing a vacant expression normally associated with fish.

But so what if my memory isn’t what it used to be? My other mental skills are as sharp as ever, and I’m confident that I can continue to do the kind of astute analysis and in-depth research that have characterized Krapanj News over the years, which is why today I want to assure you, the readers, that my advancing age will in no way change the fact that MAINLY HE SCRATCHES HIMSELF.

Following the irregular deaths of three chickens on Krapanj  this week, Krapanj News has carried out a detailed investigation, and has uncovered some startling facts.

It is a fact that human beings are out numbered on this planet 2 to 1 by chickens. While this might be just an amusing titbit of information to the average person, the sort of thing which might be found printed at the bottom of a page in a Reader’s Digest magazine, we at The Princey Foundation are profoundly concerned. If the chickens decided to press home their numerical advantage in an attempt to take over, could we stop them?

In an effort to answer that question, The Foundation created the Chicken Aggression Planning Operations Network (CAPON). Comprised of biologists, military strategists, fowl experts and football mascots from around the globe, CAPON was tasked with undertaking a feasibility study into the likelihood of a chicken uprising and the Human Race’s ability to resist it should it occur. That study is now complete, and CAPON has detailed its findings in a nine hundred page report that makes grim reading. A summary of that report appears below:

Humans versus Chickens – Are We Prepared? Click for full story.

 

Computers are very simple devices and are made of only three things:
Hardware, Software and Firmware.

Hardware

If you go to a hardware store (Ferramenta in Italy) you will notice that the shelves are full of: screws, nuts, bolts, hose pipes, glue and sandpaper etc.
this is hard wares or hardware. A computer is a box full of hardware, but thanks to a miracle of technology the hardware is miniaturized and packed into very small oblong boxes called integrated circuits (IC’s). These IC’s are further packed into things called Microprocessors.

Software

Another shop you might visit is a sofa shop, here you will find all types of soft wares: Sofa’s armchairs cushions mattresses ( madrac ) etc. this is software. Of course a shop full of mattresses would never fit on a CD or floppy disc.
But as you may know, if you remove all the air out of your soft wares you can pack it into a fraction of the space. If you then remove the spaces, a technique called zipping you will have “zipped” software.
This zipped software of course would not work, it would “crash”, so before it is used, “spaces” have to be put back in. Now the software will work, but only for a short time, because after some time it will run out of spaces and crash into a mattress again.
Microsoft have come up with a solution to this problem, it is called a dynamic update, every few days when your software gets low on spaces, microsoft send more spaces so your computer can keep going.

Firmware

Between the hardware shop and the software shop in my town is a Fish & Chip shop. Fish and Chip shops sell deep fried fish and chipped potatoes wrapped in old newspaper. Computer firmware is the same, it is between hardware and software, but instead of on a CD or floppy disc the mattresses are deep fried into chips.

Microprocessor

Have you noticed that goats will eat anything, shirts, cushions, even mattresses, they bite off small bits and swallow them one by one. A processor is the same, the sofa’s and mattresses are chopped into bite sized pieces or bytes.
Now the goat can eat the sofa easily.
A goat that can swallow 3 bits of mattress twice a second is a 2 bit 3 hertz goat.
A goat that can swallow 32 bits of mattress 500,000 times a second is a 32Bit 0.5MHz goat.
32Bit = size of goats mouth.
0.5MHz = mouthful per second.

Hard Drive

I know, Hertz – Hard Drive, we all tend to drive hire cars a little hard, and the roads in America are perfect for rental cars:

Freeway – You have to pay to use the Freeway.
Parkway – You cannot park on a Parkway.
Driveway – You park on a driveway.

Your goat parks its sofa’s and mattresses on it Hard Drive.

RAM (Ovan)

All goats need Rams, a good ram will anticipate the goats needs, and have the needed mattress ready for action.