Beer Troubleshooting Guide

beer1.gifSYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself tied to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

From www.fishtank.org.uk

How to calculate the best fishing times.

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PEAK DAYS
It is now known that the sun and moon are the two major sources of the astral energies that daily bombard the Earth and all her life forms. The closer they are to you at any given moment, the stronger the influence. The day of a NEW or FULL MOON will provide the strongest influence in each month.

PEAK TIMES –
When a PrimeTimes Period falls within 30 minutes to an hour of sunrise or sunset you can anticipate great action! When you have a moonrise or moon set during that period the action will be even greater. And, finally, when the above times occur during a NEW or FULL MOON, you can expect the best action of the season!

LENGTH OF PERIODS – Every fisherman knows that fish do not feed all the time. He knows, also, that for some reason fish often go on the feed and take most any offering, be it live bait or artificial. This sort of thing happens, according to John Alden Knight (the originator of the theory) during a PrimeTimes Period. To be sure, fish usually feed actively at sunrise and sunset, but generally, the real fishing of the day is at the “odd hour” feeding periods. If the weather and feeding conditions are favorable, the fish will be active for one to two hours.

WATCH THE BAROMETER
Intensity of activity also varies from day to day, according to conditions in general. If the barometer happens to be steady or rising, if the temperature is favorable (about 15 degrees higher than water temperature) then long and active response to a Solunar Peoria can be expected.
If however, the barometer is unsteady or falling, or the temperature arrangement of air and water is abnormal, there may be no response to a Solunar Period. For that matter, conditions can and do change so completely in a matter of hours that a major period will be of little value while some six hours later a minor period may show excellent fishing. Generally, however, a change in the weather is apt to be a deterrent to good fishing.

BEST FISHING DAYS
For those fishermen who enjoy fishing at sunrise and sunset here are the absolute best dates to be on the water at your favorite spot. These are the Major or Minor PrimeTimes Periods that fall near the times of Sunrise or Sunset during a Full or New Moon. It has been documented that when this condition exists fish will bite on anything they see or smell. Limits are almost guaranteed provided there are fish in the vicinity. It’s no secret that fish and game tend to feed during dawn and dusk (sunrise and sunset). What amplifies the activity is the effect of a moonrise or moon set plus the specific monthly periods of New (dark) and Full (light) Moons. When the times coincide with a moonrise or a moon-set the action can be spectacular. Finally, a change in the local weather coinciding with the periods will further enhance the activity.

WATCH THE MOON
Another thing to remember in dealing with Solunar Periods is that solunar influence will vary in intensity according to the position of the moon. The times of new moon (the dark of the moon), when there is no moon in the sky, is the time of maximum intensity.