Tag: Humour

Humans versus Chickens – Are We Prepared?

Following the irregular deaths of three chickens on Krapanj  this week, Krapanj News has carried out a detailed investigation, and has uncovered some startling facts.

It is a fact that human beings are out numbered on this planet 2 to 1 by chickens. While this might be just an amusing titbit of information to the average person, the sort of thing which might be found printed at the bottom of a page in a Reader’s Digest magazine, we at The Princey Foundation are profoundly concerned. If the chickens decided to press home their numerical advantage in an attempt to take over, could we stop them?

In an effort to answer that question, The Foundation created the Chicken Aggression Planning Operations Network (CAPON). Comprised of biologists, military strategists, fowl experts and football mascots from around the globe, CAPON was tasked with undertaking a feasibility study into the likelihood of a chicken uprising and the Human Race’s ability to resist it should it occur. That study is now complete, and CAPON has detailed its findings in a nine hundred page report that makes grim reading. A summary of that report appears below:

Humans versus Chickens – Are We Prepared? Click for full story.

 

32Bit Goats ( Koza)

Computers are very simple devices and are made of only three things:
Hardware, Software and Firmware.

Hardware

If you go to a hardware store (Ferramenta in Italy) you will notice that the shelves are full of: screws, nuts, bolts, hose pipes, glue and sandpaper etc.
this is hard wares or hardware. A computer is a box full of hardware, but thanks to a miracle of technology the hardware is miniaturized and packed into very small oblong boxes called integrated circuits (IC’s). These IC’s are further packed into things called Microprocessors.

Software

Another shop you might visit is a sofa shop, here you will find all types of soft wares: Sofa’s armchairs cushions mattresses ( madrac ) etc. this is software. Of course a shop full of mattresses would never fit on a CD or floppy disc.
But as you may know, if you remove all the air out of your soft wares you can pack it into a fraction of the space. If you then remove the spaces, a technique called zipping you will have “zipped” software.
This zipped software of course would not work, it would “crash”, so before it is used, “spaces” have to be put back in. Now the software will work, but only for a short time, because after some time it will run out of spaces and crash into a mattress again.
Microsoft have come up with a solution to this problem, it is called a dynamic update, every few days when your software gets low on spaces, microsoft send more spaces so your computer can keep going.

Firmware

Between the hardware shop and the software shop in my town is a Fish & Chip shop. Fish and Chip shops sell deep fried fish and chipped potatoes wrapped in old newspaper. Computer firmware is the same, it is between hardware and software, but instead of on a CD or floppy disc the mattresses are deep fried into chips.

Microprocessor

Have you noticed that goats will eat anything, shirts, cushions, even mattresses, they bite off small bits and swallow them one by one. A processor is the same, the sofa’s and mattresses are chopped into bite sized pieces or bytes.
Now the goat can eat the sofa easily.
A goat that can swallow 3 bits of mattress twice a second is a 2 bit 3 hertz goat.
A goat that can swallow 32 bits of mattress 500,000 times a second is a 32Bit 0.5MHz goat.
32Bit = size of goats mouth.
0.5MHz = mouthful per second.

Hard Drive

I know, Hertz – Hard Drive, we all tend to drive hire cars a little hard, and the roads in America are perfect for rental cars:

Freeway – You have to pay to use the Freeway.
Parkway – You cannot park on a Parkway.
Driveway – You park on a driveway.

Your goat parks its sofa’s and mattresses on it Hard Drive.

RAM (Ovan)

All goats need Rams, a good ram will anticipate the goats needs, and have the needed mattress ready for action.

Terror Alerts

What is the alert state on Krapanj ??
As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The normal level is “General Arrogance”, and the only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate”.
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
It’s not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert:

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate military posturing”. Two more levels remain, “Ineffective combat operations” and “Change sides”.
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdain” to “Dress in uniform and sing marching songs”. They have two higher levels: “Invade a neighbour” and “Lose”.

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from “Isolationism” to “Find another oil-rich nation for regime change”. Their remaining higher alert states are “Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)” and “Beg the British for help”.

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
It’s rare lea ever wrong.
Eye Have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

In my day…

The Washington Post Report in which people were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days:

Third Place:
In my day, we couldn’t afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
Bill Flavin, Alexandria

Second Place:
In my day we didn’t have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you’d weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we’d use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn’t adjust our skates, which didn’t really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.
Russell Beland, Springfield

And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster:
In my day, we didn’t have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
Barry Blyveis, Columbia

Honorable Mentions:

In my day, we didn’t have days. There was only time for work, time for prayer and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change.
Elden Carnahan, Laurel

In my day, we didn’t have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we’re all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud.
Tom Witte, Gaithersburg

In my day, we didn’t have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
Jon Patrick Smith, Washington

In my day, we didn’t have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
Diana Hugue, Bowie